Hello again

How long has it been since we talked, Xanga? This place has gotten a face lift it seems. Looks/feels ok I guess. On to business then...

I need to start using this how I once did. This used to be my little reflecting pool where I could let my brain poop all over the page and not worry about who read it or what they thought. My last post was now almost 4 years ago. A lot can happen in 4 years... I feel like I knew myself a lot more back then. But then again life was a lot more simple since I was still more concerned about myself than anything. In any case, this disclaimer goes out to ALL who may read this: This is my blog and my thoughts, I may say things you don't like or might bother you... just because I write it here does NOT mean it is the only thing I think about said subject, there's plenty of time that I think to myself and am not sitting in front of my computer to put it into words. If you are someone in my life and what I write concerns you, I ask that you take what I wrote and tuck it away; this is for reflection NOT communication. What I put in my blog is rarely fully thought out and I ask that you read it lightheartedly. If you can follow this disclaimer then, by all means, feel free to comment. I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, but I feel I need to tell you, the reader, how I mean this blog and generally how I write these.

With that being said, I'm going to start using this as an outlet again, and if it gets a little crazy, then I simply hit "private" and use it SOLELY for reflection and not the little bit of social fun this can be. Thanks for now and stay tuned for future posts!

Goodnight and sweet dreams Xangans

- James

in reference to the previous

In reference to the previous blog entry, I just want all of you to know that everything is ok. I was emotional and had to find some way to release some of the stress on my mind and writing it down seemed to be the only non-destructive (yet not the most satisfying) method that I could think of. I would remove it, but I hold somewhat of a personal standard not to hide things like this to people that actually care to read them. Thank you and take care all...

- James

...

Update on me...

Well it's been a while once again since I've written, and for those of you that actually read these, I'm sorry. A few things have changed since last post, I'll try and cover most of them.

First and foremost, I got married to the wonderful woman I was being so cautious with in my last post. Being married is a... new experience for me, but one that I wouldn't trade for the world. I love her more than I knew I could love another person. And in return she's given me a happiness that can't even start to be described in simple text. May 4th was my happy day, and by far the most emotional day that I've ever experienced in my life. I've seen others get married and seen them cry but never took the time to figure out why. It's because of the happiness of the change and the promise of the future. With Gill in my life now, I know that I can accomplish anything that I want to. She makes me a better person and pushes me to make my life better in every way. I love her... and while those 3 words are so simple, it really can't be described any better. She is everything that I am not, and everything I want to be all at the same time. She has made me the happiest and luckiest man in the world and I owe her everything I have for that. Thank you for everything you are and everything you're doing while I'm away Gill,... I appreciate it more than I can possibly say.

That somewhat leads me to the second major change in my life. I'm currently in Djibouti Africa for military reasons. It's nothing more than making sure our planes have what they need to have in order to fly, but it's an interesting change. It hurts on a daily basis to wake up in my little corner of our tent and see the cloth walls that surround me and remind me that I'm thousands of miles away from my wife. I look back and it's just wierd how big of a difference one person can make on where you want to be. If I had typed this over six months ago, I would have been thrilled beyond anything because it's friggin Africa! How many people have the chance to go to africa and be paid to be there?!? However, none of that matters when compared to the fact that I'm away from my wife. I'm virtually stuck here till August so I've tried to preoccupy my mind from what I miss and the heartache I feel, and those attempts have led to a few interesting things. I've had a chance to get off base and see some of the actual country while we drove to a cheetah refuge, which was kind of cool. The country itself looks just like those discovery channel safari things... the whole country looks like that. There's one exception to that, and it's anywhere near a city, in which case you take the absolutely worst looking parts of america you've ever seen with trash and garbage everywhere and you pretty much tripple it to equal the crap that is near the cities here. It's a little gross, but hey, they gotta live too I guess. The cheetah refuge was cool, I didn't know what kind of sound those cats made, so when they yiped like a small dog, it struck me as kind of odd. Other than the noises, they were very dull. They would walk about 50 - 100 feet, sit down, look around, and then move again. But hey, I got to be about 3 feet away from a cat that could kill me at will if it wanted to :P

One other thing that happened since I've been here is the country of Djibouti celebrated their 30 year anniversary of being an independent country! Congrats to them, and hats off to them for the fireworks display they put on! Our lil camp is just a couple miles away from the city and since I work right on the flightline, we had a clear view of the fireworks from our work area's. It was honestly more impressive than a lot of the firework displays I've seen near Chicago, and definetly better than anything I've seen in Alaska. That was just last night, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to share it with Gill. Due to the time difference I couldn't but if you're reading this, know that you were in my heart and mind as I watched.

The last kind of cool thing that I've done since being here is the band Lit came and performed live for us at our lilttle bar, "the Cantina". They put on a good show and honestly get tons of extra kudo's from all us here just for taking the time to visit a podunk camp like this one. It was fun, I had a few beers, listened to some good music, and again felt like my heart wasn't with me because of being away from my love. But it was kind of cool to see a live band that actually was a big name in the music industry  here in our retardedly hot country, Djibouti. And for those of you that don't know, the AVERAGE tempurature here, is a stupid friggin 115 degrees, and it sucks very large donkey nuts.

Well that's just about all the exciting things that have changed since last post I think. I've also become a Christian and am still trying to understand everything that goes with it. So with that, I leave you all to read some of the good Book, and to wish I was home with my amazing wife to share the read with her. I miss you friends and look foward to the next time I see you, whenever that may be.

- James

I remember this feeling, I believe it's called "happy"...

I want to write,.. but my mind is still too gone to really have any idea what to put down in words. This time however, it's gone in an amazing way, and I welcome it with open arms. She scares me, but comforts me. She relaxes me and excites me, both to a very far extent. And she makes me happy,... simple pure happiness. While I layed and held her and just talked, there was one thing that kept comming back to my mind, "this is too good to be true". I think I tried to tell her that, but... my mind just couldn't form the words that needed to be said. Even as I sit here and remember that moment after I kissed her, I can barely do anything more than smile and... just smile. I almost feel as if my soul itself is smiling.

However, there is that small voice in the back of my mind trying to be cautious, and to warn me that these feelings can be dangerous, especially with her and how she feels about a couple things. I acknowledge that warning, but there's absolutely nothing I want to do to heed it. So, I'm going to do excatly what I've been telling myself I'd do when a woman of her quality finally showed up,... I'm simply going to live the moment and pray to God that the moment continues in my favor and for longer than I expect. And with that, I give a tip of the hat to that small voice, a wink and a smile, and say, "Thanks for the advice, but for once I'm going to take that gamble and hope the dice fall in my favor."

Goodnight friends... smile for me once, and just wish me luck... ;)